It has been a year since this global pandemic and lockdown has begun, I realized today that I am depressed. There is no imparticular reason, there are many…I am just not happy. It has occured to me that it has been a year since I have been able to travel, it has been a year of the same thing every day, no variation. I am blessed that I live in Florida, the least restrictive of the United States, but most of my planned adventures were for destinations not in Florida. The group trip to Las Vegas was the first to be cancelled, the multiple weekend getaways to South Carolina were cancelled one by one (someone was in quarantine or ill – I stopped planning them…why bother) and the long awaited trip to Scotland.
I have had many self awareness moments recently. I have come to realize how many people treat me like I am a pair of snow boots in Florida, very important when needed, otherwise, just tossed aside in the back closet. I was made aware (a week after the fact) that one of my friends’ daughter passed away. I am saddened by the loss of a young lady, but it further reinforces the distance, I have no spoke to my friend in over a year. The last time we spoke, she expressed her frustration with the young lady of topic. My children are another group that only seem to contact me when they need something.
Then comes the health issues…I was at one specialist waiting room when I received the news of the young lady. A specialist I do not believe I need to be seeing, the area of his specialty is no longer part of my body- I am not sure why I would continue to see him. Unfortunately, by the time I was in a room to see him, I was completely in shock over the news of the young lady’s untimely death. We decided to reschedule – he will apply the co-pay to the next visit – very considerate on his part, although I am not sure when I will return if ever. Then my primary doctor’s nurse called with the test results of the Colo guard, the result is positive. Positive for what(???), just positive – I need to see another specialist. After a quick google search, and several deep breaths, I am focusing on the rate of false positives and this could be a harmless shedding of the lining (completely normal). After several phone calls to the specialist office, I have an appointment in six weeks, clearly this is not an urgent matter. I guess I will stop being concerned and anxious, put it in a bubble and blow it away.
I need to find a way to get out of this rut. I need to find something to shake up this daily grind of existence. The weather is improving, maybe I can resume my beach mornings, its hard to be depressed at the ocean. I am looking into changing up my eating plan, not just to improve my health but to shed the few pounds that have accumulated over the year of inactivity. The gym is out, the schedule is not conducive with my work schedule and exposure is risky.
The anxiety of the dreaded COVID and its mutations have become a norm, just when I think there is a break through point looming, I am knocked for a loop. I am allergic to one of the ingredients in the Moderna vaccine, and per the scheduler, I will need to receive my vaccine in a clinical setting in the event of a reaction. Then there is the false sense of security, those that have received their vaccines think they can be unmasked, the vaccine only reduces the effects of the illness for the vaccinated- that person can carry it and spread it to those who are not vaccinated.
Then there is the sign I read in one of the specialist office…the virus can live for 16 hours in the room air- keep your mask on even if you are alone in the room. This contradicts all I have read, part of me wishes I could get this damn virus and be done with it…that or have the option to self isolate. As an “essential worker” according to the White House, I never had the option to not report to work. As a contract station, I have none of the benefits of a Postal Employee.
All in all, as I make a list of all the potential reasons for my depression, there seems to be a bit more than even I was expecting when I started this list. I know there are people in far worse situations than I am in. I can only worry about me right now, I need to focus on my needs, not that of others. One thing that is super annoying, is smiling under this mask and pretending to be in a chipper mood for the customers. I really just want to just have a break, some time to not be “ON”, to be healthy and just be able to relax and maybe enjoy myself.
Snowmoon Adventures 