There is so much going through my head, I am so overwhelmed with what has become of my life. There is an endless loop, I am stuck in its revolving path, unable to break free and find my way out of this situation. I have realized that I have few people I can actually discuss this with, I feel that those in my inner circle that don’t understand are judging me, and being unkind. I am trying to break the cycle , I had this thing called life under control, I was coping. Slowly, my grip has slipped away, I am now to a point that I do not know where to start, how to start, what to do and I have no one in my inner circle to turn to that can assist- they have their own situations to deal with.
The root of the problem of this current situation, I have ADHD- I have always had it, I will always have it, much like the Celiac, there is no outgrowing it, no getting away from it, no healing it – it is just part of who I am. I am comfortable with it, I do not view it as a negative, but as a gift. I honestly don’t understand people that cannot think in lightning speed, that do not multitask, that dont spin off on tangents and drop-down rabbit holes to run off course. I guess that’s why they don’t understand my life.
I can see all that is wrong with my realm, I am not blind. I cognitively know what needs to be done, how to accomplish it. Recently, some one said they just force themselves to just do it. That works for them, they have adapted their lifestyle to fit what works for them. I am not at that point, and this person knows very little of my situation. I am trying to get things to rights, some of the items on my checlist are beyond my control, some are within my control.
I have started a Bullet Journal. I happened across the book on the library web page when looking for a non-fiction book on self-help. As I read the introduction, I have never related more to anything, the ideas that he was presenting made so much sense to me. Its as he was in my head describing me. I want to be organized; I want to live in clean space where I know where everything is located. I am hoping that working with this tool will enable me to accomplish my goals.
I don’t like my current situation, and I know that only I can make it better. I cannot have an electrician in to rewire outlets until I have the house sorted and under control. I cannot have the windows replaced until I can get the house sorted for the men to come measure and replace. It’s part of the endless circle. I can clear out one area, only to find that I have more things that need to find a home- things that I cannot discard – I am going to be discarding a lot of things.
I have also decided that I need to go back to medication. I spent so time thinking, when did I really have my life in a pleasant situation? When was I really at a point that I was happy with how my life was flowing? What was I doing then that is different now? The last time I felt like I had it together, that things were flowing nicely, goals were set, accomplished and new goals set. I was a single mother with two jobs and three busy kids. I was working full-time at one job and part time at the other. I had simplified my life; I had few possessions (compliments of a hurricane) and I was on the medication for the ADHD.
It was not a cure-all, don’t think that is what I mean, it enabled my to focus, find the important thing to do and stay focused on that task. It does not turn off the other thoughts, it enables them to be quieted and tabled for a more appropriate time. I do not plan to use them as a long- term solution, but as tool to regain the loss of the control of my life. I will also embrace counseling; it should be part of the treatment plan. Its not just pop a pill and poof the world i s right. NOT BY A LONG SHOT. There is a lot of aspects to this disorder, and one needs to be able to embrace all of the aspects and channel the energy into productive outlets.
It feels so good to get that all out, to acknowledge that I have a situation that is out of control, that only I can fix it, and I am struggling to find the way to the right path and action plan. I have reached out for help, theoretically I should be contacted within 72 hours – I guess that’s business non holiday days. I am hoping with the modern tele-health this can be done quickly.
Snowmoon Adventures 