Saying Good Bye

Frankie lost his battle, what a pleasant way to phrase the inevitable, the demise of a life form, the end of my friend. Frankie had no close family, he left NYC years ago, putting the poverty and crime riddled life of Harlem behind him, how such a gentle soul emerged from such a place will always reamin a mystery. The stories of violence and crime driven by poverty and prejudice fueled my own prejudice of the people he spoke of, the people he was shamed to call his people, the Dominicans. He was nothing like the stereo type of the people he described.

All I can think of to honor my friend, is live my life as he always tried to make me see. The simple joy of living. To live to the fullest, put what constraints others place on your life out of yuor mind and just live and enjoy. Enjoy the food, enjoy the company, enjoy the laughter.

Controlling the chaos

It has been some time since I have written my daily adventure, but there’s have been many mini adventures and some big ones. Everyday is a new adventure, that is my perspective, life is what we make of all the little adventures. This thing, life, is a journey, a series of experiences that culminate into a grand adventure.

This is my adventure.

I have started my own business, at least in the eyes of if the Department of Revenue. I have yet to make a sale, I have heart to market my products, I have yet to complete a production. I need to provide the back story..earlier in the year, the business that operates as possibly closing down. I needed to make a plan for my future and was not interested in pursuing work in the traditional market. I have worked for public and private entities, I have worked office and retail, medical, marketing, financial and social work, I do not see myself going back to wearing suits or uniforms, I see my future in a paint smock and a crafting table. I had mentally prepared for the close of my little post office, I had mentally prepared for my days at home, working in my art room. I was ready, then to my surprise (an the owners), the governing body authorized back payments.

I am challenged to find enough hours in the day to work full time at a business and then work part time at my business. I am slowly finding my way, very slowly. I need to schedule time to craft, and not let external forces interfere with that time. It is very easy to get distracted, and off course.

I started last night by not accepting a phone call shortly before bed time. I know that the call would last longer than my scheduled bedtime, so rather than even start that, I just declined the call. I know my friend means well by checking in on me, but 20 minutes before my bedtime is not the time frame.

That leads to another thought path, I use plans and schedules to manage my life, I find comfort in that method. I am not interested in taking supplements to enhance my abilities, I am trying to reduce the artificial substances – medications and other chemicals. I am aware that many people utilize over the counter medications and supplements, many people also use other substances relax, get energized or have an artificial high. I have never been one to enjoy that, I don’t care to start at this stage of life. I can get happy, relaxed or energized via my meditations and mental state, not with chemicals.

Now so will admit that I have consumed an energy drink when I needed to drive a long distance, 6 hours in the highway. It is more of an exchange, the same amount of caffeine coffee and a couple Coca Cola cans, fewer bathroom breaks. I also eat high protein snacks as well as fresh vegetables, reduced sugar intake; a trade off.

I live in Florida, its been especially this year, drink it hot coffee is not palatable. Water, lots of water, fresh vegetables and fruit, cold proteins, and one Coca-Cola per day. I have dialed back on the sweet tea (hibiscus) as it lowers blood pressure and mine is low enough without any added factors. Most recently, I dropped beef from my eating plan ( pork went years ago). If the meat market has grass fed at a reasonable price, I will get a little, but otherwise, with the hormones antibiotics and soy diet of the cattle, I will pass.

Thankfully, there are many apps and tools available to help manage and balance not only my eating plan but my exercise. The gym is one of my happy places, I enjoy the work out, and not in the humid heat. My mind is free to wander while I work my muscles. The story in my head is so much more exciting than the reality of my daily life.

I need to improve my time management, by shifting weekend chores to tune week days, I can free up time to work on my art. I fear that if I start painting during the week days, I will get lost in the zone and lose track of time. Delaying my bedtime starts a domino effect of sleeping later, disrupting the routine, which is the tool I use to keep my world balanced and in control.

Slow and steady wins the race

Is this really a race though? The purpose of this venture is to extract myself from the Rat Race. Lets back up a bit…I was given notice that my job with the little post office was going to stop as the little office was to close up. First it was at the end of October, then it was the end of the calendar year, now its open indefinitely. What a roller coaster ride have been on.
I was prepared for the closing at the end of October, fitting, I thought, end of the Wheel, new beginnings. I began to formulate a plan for my life with out the job, mind you I was panicked for a few days, I need to work for the income, not for entertainment. I explored several options, teaching online, food delivery, people delivery, self employment. I really felt I needed to creative my ideal position, not fit myself into some one else’s ideal position. As I grew to accept the fate of the Post Office, the owner’s decided to cash in on the busy holiday season profits and remain open until the end of the year.

I put my interviews on hold, as the busy time really is draining physically. I went into an auto pilot mode, following a rigid schedule to just be able to function and complete the normal tasks.

December was a nightmare of epic proportions this year. Mid December, I started to feel weak, feverish, more than a cold that wouldn’t go away, not the flu, just ill. I do not recall much of December, I just focused on the customer in front of me and not passing out. I lived on DayQuil and NightQuil, Goody’s, and Alleve, never really able to shake the symptoms. As it turns out, I contracted Mono, Epstein Barr, the kissing disease, from kissing a two year old, sharing my straw, and generally just Nana loving. In total, Brantley(2), Amanda(30), myself (51) and Caelin(5) (in that order) took ill. It was not a good time. Again, I don’t recall much of December.

As the end of the year approached, I went into high gear in getting my new business venture together. I have decided to sell my art work, not the actual canvases, but the images transferred to various items for sale. The set up is slow going, and as I have told a few people about my plans, they are anxious to see a showing, I am not there yet. I am still setting up with the various government agencies. I have secured my name, my tax papers, and am slowly setting up the accounting side. These are facets of the business I am accustomed to running, the art side, that is the secret side.

When the owners of the little post office notified the USPS that the business will be shutting down, the USPS objected. The USPS is reviewing the accounting, it seems there may be an error in the commission checks. February is also the renegotiate the contract terms month, and the owners have submitted a request for an increase. My plan for my business is now shifted to part time, as I am full time operating manager of the wee post office by the beach. One of my staff members retired, so I have one staff member remaining, for now, soon he will be off on the traveling vendor circuit.

I am slowly selling the contents of the room that will become my art studio and merchandise storage space. I am hoping t generate enough from the sale of various miscellaneous items to pay for the start up of my new venture. At this point, the expenses are far greater than the income, but that will change.

The winds of change

As the follower of the Celtic tradition, the wheel is turning constantly, but I am anticipating great changes in the upcoming year. This last thirteen lunar month cycle has been filled with great turbulent emotions. It is my intention that this next thirteen lunar months be less turbulent, more financially stable and charged.

Many aspects of my life will be changing in the next thirteen months. The business that I currently work for will be terminating. Although I dread having to go back to a traditional office job, that seems to be the fate. It will be nice to be paid for my worth as opposed to the minimal pay I receive now. I will miss the people of the community, and they will miss this business. It has been a positive force in my life, there are many things I have learned, many people I have met and many lives that I have touched. This will probably survive until the end of the calendar year, but not after that.

One of the people I met was for the reason to make me aware that the relationship with J1 was not meeting my needs and after much deliberation, meditation, and evaluation I have faced that our relationship is not what it used to be, that gradually we have drifted apart and are no longer anything more that friends. J2, the person that sparked my interest, has not been totally truthful. He has been friendly, and flirty, indicated he was divorced (maybe at one time), and fun to encounter at work. As it turns out, he got married on my last birthday, ironic. The first man that turns my head and sparks desires that I have not had in years, implied he was available two months into his marriage. Wonder why I don’t trust men???

This upcoming Wheel, my focus will be on Brigit. The more I study about her, the more I realize she is calling me and has been for some time. She was a single woman in a time when women married and had families. That is not the path she chose. I plan to spend the year in her company, turning my attention inward to hone my skills as a healer, as a crafter and keeper of the Eternal Flame. I plan to spend more time exploring the true Celtic Path, not Wicca or Druidism, pure Celtic paganism.

This is a fresh start for life, part of me wished that this gig was ending at the end of October to coincide with the Wheel, but we will make the most of what we have left here, it would be foolish to shut down before the high volume season. What the owners and the people don’t realize is that I am moving forward with my life. I am courteous, friendly and being the best employee I can, but I am no longer pouring my heart and soul into this.

I have started to prepare for entry into the corporate workplace, thankfully i never got rid of the suits and blouses. I recently came across two pair of workplace shoes for less than $20.00, I accepted the sign that this is a one of the blessings to come. It will be nice to have a little financial freedom, not just getting by, but having a little left over. I am going to take the next few months to really fine tune my thoughts on the ideal job, definitely some where that is not religious based. I do not care to start and end a staff meeting with prayer.

I will miss my morning beach time, I will need to make a conscience effort to make weekend trips to the beach. Who knows, maybe I could go to the beach, then go to the gym and use their shower to get ready for the office. That would be a large sleep shift, as I would have to get up pretty early and the sun may not even be up at the time I was at the beach. Hard to greet Lugh if he has not risen. Well, no use worrying about that now. I have several months to get through before we reach that point.

I trust in Lugh, Morrigan and Brigit to lead me on the correct Path and open the doors that I need to walk through.

Changes…

I took a few days off from my work and went on a little road trip. The drive was great, rather peaceful. I had plenty of miles to sort out my head, and really look at my world with fresh eyes. My life has become complicated, and it really does not need to be that messy. My life needs to be filled with happiness and upbeat thoughts. There is no room in my life for negativity, there is no room for unhappiness, no room for drama.

THe hardest part was morning the loss of the relationship of Jim, I had been hanging on far too long. The words were finally said out loud, we have been moving in separate directions for quite some time. It was time to finally put the idea of a romantic relationship in perspective. He is a great man, a great friend, and life has just drawn us on different paths. It was time for me to stop waiting for him, to accept that if he really wanted to make the relationship a priority, he would have made time for us. When he sold the property to Charlie, that is when I should have walked away. That was a dream we created, he built with features for me and my personal lifestyle in mind, then he just decided to sell it. He did not consult me, he just said this is how its going to be. I held on too long.

Things that this little trip has taught me, I am in charge of me. I do not need a lot of material things in my life, I probably have way too many as I type (that will slowly change). If it has value, I am selling it. If it’s use has been depleted its going to the dump

It is time to turn my artistic hobbies into a money making machine. Several ideas for projects that are not complicated for my skill level, that will make great products for an Etsy Store. Look forward to seeing a new adventure in my art. I am thinking that eventually I will be doing more art and less office work, but for now, office is first, art second.

The daily visit to the beach is a must, and I am adding an annual holiday to my calendar. The number of people that have commented on the difference in my appearance, my attitude, my persona after this little adventure, all positive things. One needs an official time out to sort out the crazy. A character in the book I am reading references a delete button in her head, I am adopting that action, and making it my own. When a negative thought or encounter occurs, I am just hitting the delete button. Just like the one in the upper right hand corner of the keyboard, the one in my head erases the negativity.

The new work schedule starts this week, this is the time for changes. My schedule will be six days on, one day off. This week will be intense, my commitment to take a grandson to the zoo on Sunday (the only day off) will make for a condensed Saturday to shop, prep and cook for the upcoming week. Then changes will just mean more efficient planning and prepping to accomplish all the tasks. The busy season is quickly approaching, the days of chillaxing on the job are quickly fading.

Time for a new meal plan, more on the go finger foods. One of the lessons learned on my adventure, deviating from the healthy eating plan results in feeling unwell. For future trips, a packed cooler with my foods will be required. The days of driving through and grabbing a burger are gone. Sure it tastes great at the moment, but the next day, oh my, my body was revolting. Also in the rear view mirror of life, staying up all night. 21 hours awake is not something this body is designed to accomplish. The combination of garbage in gut and lack of sleep resulted in a loss of a day. Some things are better left to the young, and young I am not.

So there are many changes on my horizon.

A much needed road trip

I am getting ready for a road trip, the last weekend before the winter residents return.

I am not looking forward to the packing, its such a pain to try and figure out what do i want to wear for the next 5 days of my life. I am thinking I will just chuck some shorts, tees and jeans in the bag with a couple of skirts. I am planning on bringing my board, and the board shorts. If it all gets to be too much, I can always paddle out to relax.

I am looking forward to the drive. I have way too much in my head that I need to sort out. I have a lot of unshed emotions, a lot of ties that need to break, and I need to sort out my personal life, what there is or isn’t of it. I spoke out loud to Michael about it, and that helped some.

I guess the biggest problem is that I am not comfortable in my home. It is like it has been invaded by all these extra essences. I am not thinking its haunted, just an overload of energy from everything to the dogs, the cats, the presence of all the people in my life, the remnants of the energy I bring home every day. It is just too much.

The premonition I had about J2 has freaked me out. The fact that I even had that random vision, so real I could feel the heat of his body, his touch, oddly, there was no color in the picture. Anyway, and then he walks in to the office. He hasn’t been here since April, and he just pops in with that smile. I was just awestruck, could barely put a sentence together. When I asked about his injury, I was stunned when he said exactly what was in the vision (or what ever one calls it). I think that is why I am freaked out about my bedroom, as that was the location of the whatever. Now I have no sanctuary.

I think I will set the camp bed up in the front room tonight. I did not sleep well last night. I am thinking that I need to purge, clean and cleanse the house. I guess I will work on that for September. I had another sensation, J2 was at the beach with me, and I do not think that would be beneficial to me. I need a sanctuary, a safe place.

I guess what is scary is that before there was J1, there was a lot of sensations about him. Now I am reliving that with J2. I am just very confused, and distraught. I do not see a future with J1, but do see a potential with J2. Or is it just a crazy fantasy of an overactive imagination. Maybe I just need to call JR and have a hit it and quit it night.

This is why I need to go for a long drive, Michael indicates he does the Loop to unwind. (What is scary is that Michael and I are two peas in the pod, but with out the sexual attraction, at least for me. We share so many similar traits, but I can only deal with one freaky thing at this time. ) I can talk to him about stuff, and it helps to just say things out loud.

Maybe September needs to be a focus on me and my needs month. Just me, get squared away with my self, my home, my world. Not add anyone to the picture, just me. Maybe I need to spend some time with myself, find things that bring me happiness,. I will need a new hobby as the weather is going to get cooler, and I have to give up my ocean sport. I will have pickle ball, but I will need another me and the ocean. Maybe I should price wet suits.

Lesson Learned

Today marks the beginning of a new lifestyle. I am choosing to view the events that occurred yesterday as the Universe sending a message that I need to make some changes in my lifestyle.

My wallet was stolen last night, and as a result of that act, I am changing the way I spend my money. I will no longer carry any cards with me, I will go to a cash or check policy. I am going old school, with paper bills and mailing all the bills.

This is something I have debated for a while, and this was the final push. Fortunately, none of the charges will be my financial responsibility, but still , I feel violated, threatened, that some one other than me could access my money. I work very hard for my money, I do not have much, the little I have is to support myself and my loved ones.

There is a part of me that wants to place an ill wish on the fool that took what is mine and make them suffer. The fact that I had that thought has been enlightening, it brings to surface something I was not aware existed. There is a dark side to me, I have read that there is no white witch, black witch, but we are all gray witches. There can not be light with out dark, no good with out evil. I have never thought to impose anything but well wishes on another. there have been many people that have wronged me, but never have I felt so strongly against someone that I do not know.

There are so many ways that this scene could have played out. Some one made a choice to violate my personal items. They are in possession of not only my ID and credit cards, but one of my personal sigils. They also took a souvenir from one of my favorite trips. I can never replace that item, and that they have taken feels like that they have intruded on my memory of that day.

PS 3/24/2021… The owner of the business has closed it down. He was unable to sell the franchise. At the time of the theft, only his staff ( family) were in the store- he refused to let the police brie the video footage or any cooperation.

…Dreams

The last few days I have been having bizarre dreams. I am hesitant to write about them, as there have been occasion that things I have dreamt of have come true, and often the occurrences have not been pleasant outcomes. I am hoping that my dreams over the weekend are not foreshadowing.

The dream I had last night (or early this morning), that was most intriguing, I have been watching a lot of Caitlin Moran on YouTube and have read all the books I can get through my local library. She was encouraging my to write, in the dream, she was actually talking to me. How odd, but I have decided to heed the advice of the inner being and write.

My intention for this blog was an outlet for my spiritual thoughts and ideas that may not fit here in the Bible Belt. A cross between a journal and an online Grimoire, that was the intention of this outlet. Now I am torn between setting up a new one or just modifiying the content of this one.

I guess for now, this will remain as is, for financial and practical purposes, I have not been very reliable as writing the daily lines. That is something I am working on, I have set a goal as three entries per week.

I feel I should address some of my dreams (things I would like to do). I would like to travel to Scotland. I would like to have enough time there to visit places I would like to see as well as trace some of my mother’s travels there. Maybe I should look into jobs there and spend a year abroad, could I leave my people behind for a year? That would be the true question.

My other dreams and desires, hmm, I do not know. I am very happy with my job, a little more money would be nice, but I know that the business can not afford it. I am truly happy, I have what I need and enough left over to afford some luxuries. I think I will start a fund of savings for a grand adventure. Where that grand adventure will take me, I do not know.

Life’s unexpected turns

This is shaping up to be a great week. Althoug I did not get on the beach this morning, I did ground here at the office. I need to get a little spot that is free and clear of litter and debris to stand. I met with my sister this morning, and had a great breakfast (the company was great, the food so so). It was probably one of the best interactions we have had in our life time.

We discussed the family reunion that we did not attend, the high reunion that she accidentally attended. We both agreed, once you finally put your past behind you, many things no linger have significance or meaning. The camp that was home to so many of my fondest child hood memories is where the family reunion is held each year. The physical land remains the same, the shore line and the rocks, but the buildings have changed as well the people in control of the buildings. The energy of the space has changed. Gone is the welcoming spirit of Paul, gone is the jovial spirit of Nummy, now there is a woman that rules and she is not welcoming of the whole family. She may have a point, that she pays taxes and upkeep on a property that she has to share with a very large group.

Either way, I have always felt like an outsider in that particular pack. My memories revolve around the nature and my books. The quiet time away from the bullies in Liverpool. I guess the truth is that once Nana died, I was left without, just with out. I did not fit in with the others, I was / am weird. I know this, and now understand my weirdness is actually my powers. I am an empath, I have the second sight, and I want more shallow relationship with people or why bother. I am also very intelligent and have an amazing memory. All of these things make me who I am and very different than most people.

Logistically, attending the reunion is a nightmare. There are only two flights in and out of the town to Florida, there is no accommodations to be had. (As Michele pointed out there were always people on the floor and couches at our home in Florida, but no one is offering up floor space. ) I would be happy to buy a tent and sleeping bag if I could be offered a place to pitch it. I have actually slept under the stars there and its one of the best memories I have of camp. I proposed that we investigate making Alex Bay our base, attend the dinner cruise, and make the actual reunion a day trip. I proposed flying into Canada and driving over to the States. That may afford an exploration of Quebec, maybe a trip up to Chicoutimi to see the family roots.

Who knows, its a year away and plenty of time to make the arrangements. I have a feeling that I will be attending the next reunion, hopefully it is not a Memorial for one of the remaining siblings. THat brings up the conversation we had about attending funerals. I would attend Aunt 2’s services, but not Aunt 3’s. Aunt 2 has been nothing but kind all of my life.

Aunt 3 has been nothing but unkind and in welcoming for my entire life. For whatever reason, she has disliked me for as long as I can remember, she actually told me I do not belong on her property and sent me to uncle 1’s. I was 10 years old, the summer after my Nana died. I have not been to her property since. She has never had a kind word, for me or my children. I guess I need to work on discharging my negativity regarding that family member.

My brother has asked that I take his cat to be released from this life. I have agreed because he can not, he can however dig a hole. That he will handle, even in this rainy weather. Sadly, he will say good bye to another furry friend. Its a good thing I have the constitution that I do, or maybe it is the belief system. I believe that releasing the spirit from this life will send it to the Otherworld. That is where the spirit will be rejuvenated and refreshed.

Oh this crazy life, what started out as a peaceful relaxing pleasant day has turned into a well, I just don’t know. My son needs to borrow money , my brother needs

Just another day in paradise

Today has been a mixture of good and bad, bright and dark, cheer and sadness. My day started with me naturally waking up at 06:29, that is not a normal occurrence. That should have been the first flag to indicate today was going to be a doozy.

I am glad that I was able to wake up naturally as opposed to an electronic bleeping. one of my personal goals is to start and end my day with the sun, following the natural rhythms of life. This could be the beginning of attaining that goal. Let me clarify, being awake and being ready to start my day are not the same. That is another thing to work on.

The breakfast routine quickly became a disaster. The French press fell off the water dispenser shelf and shattered. Scalding hot water, coffee grounds and broken glass all over the floor. This is one of the moments that I regret my environmental commitment to no paper products in the kitchen. As I scoop up the mess without burning or cutting myself- Loki and Layla have got to investigate. Layla followed the “get out of the kitchen” roar, Loki just continued to sniff about- hopefully he does not have glass up his nose. Out came the K machine for coffee 2.0, all before 07:00.

The break in the rain is most welcome, the amount of rainfall has clearly impacted the beach. The sand has been eroded from the beach approach right down to water edge. There is a large area that has washed out and a new riptide area has developed. The cloud cover prevented basking in the sun or drying my face after a splash wash.