YEsterday, while walking my mile, I thought of Joey. Joey was a boy I met the summer before Grade 7. We were at the community pool and he just swam over to me and started talking. I was rather shy (I still am), and not accustomed to random people speaking to me. We became good friends that summer, meeting at the pool often. I attended private school and he public, so we only saw each other at the breaks. He was the kind of friend that we could just pick up right where we left off even though months had passed.
We became closer when we got to high school. We dated for a little bit freshman year, I am not even sure why we stopped. I rode to school on his motorcycle, we spent a lot of time together out of school, (although we attended the same school, we were in separate buildings). He was my first love, the innocent love, just hand holding kissing and cuddles.
We maintained friendship when we were not a couple. I never stopped loving him, and he never stopped loving me. We would meet in secret to just hang out, talk and not talk, just sit and enjoy having a friend. During the coldest of winter days, he would surprise me at the start of my paper route holding hot chocolate and help me get the papers delivered. I just accepted him as he was, and loved him for himself.
He was planning to join the Marines after high school. That all changed one night.
He was out with the kids from my neighborhood, the boys that thought they were cool, the boys that always just skated by in school, that were up to no good and well, for what ever reason, ever so popular. People I avoided, they were going no where in life, no future, no goals, no one I needed to be associated with. They goaded Joey into cutting a corner lot and spinning out in the yard.
The property owner got the license plate number and called the police. It was not the first time this happened to the corner lot (we lived on a corner lot and it happened to our lot often enough). The police went to Joey’s house, and gave him a summons for court.
I saw him the last day of school before winter break. He came to where I was standing, running to catch me before I got on the bus home. He looked me straight in the eyes, and said “Remember, I always loved you” kissed my forehead and walked between the busses to the parking lot. This was not unusual for him to randomly approach me and say things of this nature. I just shrugged and got on the bus.
Joey went to court over winter break, he was convicted of a misdemeanor and given community service and probation. Unfortunately, that meant he could not be a Marine. Joey took his own life the night after court. He shot himself in the chest, walked out of his bedroom and said “I don’t want to die” and collapsed. (That is what I was told, how much of that was true, I don’t know). He was alive when the ambulance arrived, and made it to the hospital. He died in the emergency department.
He was so much to me, and he was just gone. So much of me died with him. I stopped caring about a lot of things. I stopped hanging out with people I had known for years, they were not worthy of my friendship. I stopped planning my future, I could not see past the grief, the loss, the emptiness.
I applied to a college that was a guarantee acceptance, way below my level. I was a mess at college, I drank way too much. I got A’s in classes that barely challenged me. I could not form real friendships, I was so afraid to let anyone know me. I was living just going through the motions.
I moved to Florida, I got married, had a family. All still carrying that grief, not letting anyone get close to me. My husband never had a chance, he was competing with a ghost.
I met someone that challenged me, he was able to see through he façade; he forced his way into my heart. He was not looking for anything but friendship. I told him the truth, eventually. He was able to help me finally let go of the ghost I was carrying and let the walls down. He made me face the person I was, who I really needed to be.
In 1998, I was able to go to Joey’s grave, to tell him good bye. His place in my heart was as a memory, and only in the past. It had been 13 years, I needed to free him and he needed to free me.
Why all this is coming up? I had a realization last night that really made me think. I mean really contemplate my reality. I have never had a friend name Joe since Joey. I am sure that there are people out there that I have met that have that name, I mean really, how can I have not met a Joseph in all these years.
Well I have met some one, and for what ever reason, the Universe has made him a part of my realm. We have spoke on the phone for business for two years, and he identifies himself and I just skip over the name. He has come to my office, on multiple occasions and I just skip over the name. A month ago, he parked himself in my office and proceeded to dominate the room and conversation. He made it clear he was Joe and told me all about himself (unsolicited I might add)-bold as can be. Then he repeated the same two days later.
He shared what I would consider pretty personal details of his life, his past, his future plans. I just stood there, stock still, silent. I remember thinking at one point, why is he still talking? Why is he telling me this? Now I would like to have more time to talk to him. Time when I am not at work and he is not at work, just to sit and talk and listen and have a friend. I have a feeling the Universe is not done with this relationship, but it is just a seed that has been planted.
Back to Joey, I don’t think he has ever left me, just faded into the background. I have had several mediums tell me I have a male presence with me, starting with J.
Snowmoon Adventures 