My plan to write every day has faltered, realistically, I figured it would. While scrolling through Pinterest I happened upon a post about writing prompts. Now, I have seen a journal for sale that has writing prompts, based on the Christian faith. I have contemplated purchasing the journal, it has the Celtic symbol for woman on every page and I figure I could just skip the religious stuff.

This is Manifestation journal challenge. Its 30 days, and I am willing to give it a try. I am thinking that posting it publicly may not be the best option. I have not read the entire post with details, but it has sparked an idea for this blog.

Every day, I will share one tidbit of my daily research in life. Every day, I learn a little more about me, there is a lot of me to know. I do not mean that I am large or contain a lot of mass. I mean I am a deep thinking, open minded, willing to try it once (maybe twice) kinda gal. Everyday, I am growing, learning more about the planet we live on, the people that are in my life, the human body (mainly mine ) and what makes it continue to exist.

I try to steer clear of opinions, as every one has their thoughts on any given topic. I try to base my opinions on logic, but sometimes, its just what I like or don’t like. For example, I like blue, and purples that are more blue than red and greens that are more blue than yellow. I do not like red, I like maraschino cherries, I do not like pink, but my afghan is pink – (my Nana made it- that’s another story for another day) my everyday work shoes are pink.

My most recent deep dive research is on MTHFR, a gene mutation. I have C677T homozygous. That means I have two copies of C677T, a genetic mutation that can cause a wide variety of health problems, mental health issues (that stem from physical issues) and a few not life altering but not the norm issues. I am going to say I have the fortunate draw of the lottery on the lengthy laundry list of items associated with MTHFR. There are cardiac issues I did not inherit, the BRCA gene ( breast cancer). One of the affects of the mutation is going gray early in life, I was 27 when the gray hair became very noticeable. My Celiac is compliments of the MTHFR. The ADHD is compliments of MTHFR.

I am learning more and more about this every day. I changed my vitamin regime last weekend. I had discovered that I need to have a vitamin that has the B vitamins in a format that is methylated as my body can not create the chemical reaction to break the B vitamins down. The processing of B vitamins is a several step process, and MTHFR is and acronym for MethyleneTetraHydoFolateReductase. I was reminded of an early episode of The Big BAng Theory. Sheldon and Penny are shopping, Penny goes to select vitamins, and Sheldon says all that will do is cause expensive urine. Well, I will say, until this week, I have been doing just that, making expensive urine. Everyone that takes a vitamin gets some value from the little gummies or tablets- do not get me wrong. I have gotten some value from all the tablets, but the maximum value. Now, I can tell that things have changed.

I have to take my vitamins mid morning. My last appointment with the endocrinologist was all about what to take at what time to reap the most benefit. I wake up at 6 am to take a synthyroid tablet. I have to wait 30 minutes before I can take the Pepcid tablet. Then I have to wait 30 minutes before I can eat, and the vitamins have to be 120 minutes from the synthyroid tablet. This meant with my mid morning snack or lunch I would take my little baggie of vitamins. Then the next trip to the Ladies room would be bright yellow and vitamin fueled. This week, I notinced a change.

The only change in the variables, I switched my One a Day (which is great for anyone not affected by MTHFR) for a capsule that is deigned for people with MTHFR. I took the vitamins with my lunch yesterday at 12:30 pm, continued my work day as usual, came home and that is when I realized the difference. The first trip to the Ladies at home 5 hours after the vitamin, that is when the bright urine and the scent of vitamins hit me. 5 hours later, that gave my body several hours to process and take what it needed, disposing the excess. The other vitamins just passed right through the system, maybe an hour or two, when I think about how effective (or ineffective) that has been for how many years that I have been taking vitamins. My mind is blown, yes Sheldon, very expensive urine.

Those of you that are skeptical, I have crafted my little packet of vitamins and supplements with the science. I have had base line blood work drawn and then added each supplement and repeated the blood work. I have discovered that with my body, taking the recommended dose of krill is not enough, by taking one extra capsule, my cholesterol slides right into the ratio recommended by the health guidelines. My knee does not throb as long as I take the turmeric capsule. I am currently taking an additional vitamin D and K as well as a milk thistle. These keep my levels in a good range, as I bruise easily and as a postmenapausal woman, I am at a high risk for osteoporasis. I have learned that the cholesterol my body generates and the osteoporasis are both conditions associated with MTHFR.

I am just beginning to explore this condition. I am going to be learning more, and having more blood work to sort out the true folate levels. IF any of the readers have information or direction, I would be most welcome. My doctor and I will be having a much deeper conversation about this at my next appointment.

Today started very early, I watched the coronation of King Charles III. I was able to stay awake through the service and the travel to Buckingham Palace. Then I went back to bed and slept deep. When I woke up my schedule was all wacky, but its Saturday so no real obligations.

I am not even sure how or why I started researching this morning. There were plenty of things that needed to be done. Something led me to the computer, and I have discovered quite a bit of information. There is a link between the MTHFR gene mutation and ADHD. Yay!! Go Me!! Another wrinkle that will need to be ironed out. It seems that the gene mutation is the source of a few of the conditions that affect my person. I will admit I never did any real research on the MTHFR gene mutation. I am now thinking that I need to learn a bit more about what that impacts. I know that I have passed it on to my son, and at least one of his children. My second daughter does not have the mutation. My oldest daughter has not been tested.

As a person without a medical background, I am always hesitant to believe what I read online. There are so many opinions that present as fact and then there are those sites that are trying to sell their product. I trust my doctor, we have a solid relationship. He is always open to my ideas, he trusts that I know my body and mind better than anyone else. I am of the opinion that I need to take an active role in my health care.

I guess right now, I am trying to put it all together. There seem to be more variables than I would like to be addressing; there are a lot of contributing factors. I do not know what to prioritize, that seems to be my biggest dilemma. I need guidance, I guess , I will make a list of all my questions and concerns. I can present it at my next appointment and hopefully we can figure out some answers. I am not enjoying feeling this floundering.

This journey continues, with fresh eyes and a clear conscious. I am learning more about ADHD and more importantly, I am accepting traits that can be attributed to the collective of ADHD, traits that make me who I am. You would think after 50+ years, I would be an expert, but alas I am not.

There is comfort to know that I am not the only person that struggles with certain aspects of life. There is greater comfort in accepting who I am without the guilt of disappointment for not completing what seems to be a simple task to others, but is a huge challenge to me.

Tonight I attempted to explain a typical morning routine to a very dear friend. Some one that loves me as I am, does not judge me, accepts me as me, but will never understand how or why I am the way I am. He just does not see how a simple routine of morning tasks can turn into something monumental.

I have a new attitude about mornings, and it works for me. I wake up, get ready for work, tend the cat and the dog, then leave the house. Sounds relatively simple, but there are a few factors missing from that list – the pitfalls. I have to take a pill at 6 am, then another at least 30 minutes later. Sometimes, I fall back asleep after the first pill, sometimes I get up (potential pitfall number 1). When I arise, I make the bed, wash up, get dressed, and head downstairs.

If I am on point, I feed the cat before I head downstairs- if not that will be one trip back up. Once down stairs, I let the dog out, prepare her food and medicine peanut butter ball. I start to pack up my lunch, snacks and fight the internal battle about breakfast. Let the dog back in, finalize the breakfast issue- omelet with veggies or granola bar? I was doing the smoothie thing, but that just got boring. I may go back to the smoothie thing, its getting to be hot in the morning, and who can eat hot food in the heat?

Where is my briefcase? Is it upstairs? Did I feed the cat? Is the dog in? Good she is and ate her pill ball. I have my briefcase, where is the lunch box I just packed? Are the keys in my bag? I guess I will find out when I get in the car?

Today, I got in the car and put my briefcase on the floor and realized that there was a blank space, what goes there? My lunch box! How do I pack the lunch box and then not carry it out to the car? Good the keys are here, do I have my key card to get in the building? Yes its there in the pocket of the briefcase, did I brush my teeth? No, good thing I carry a travel kit, I will just do it work- how many trips can I make from the house to the car to the house to the car in the morning before the neighbors think I have gone round the bend? (This was the 30 second monologue in my head). The medication I took this morning had not kicked in yet.

On a typical morning, I will have run back up the stairs at least once, I will make one trip back to house and still have the wrong glasses on when I hit the main road. On a great morning, I will actually get everything to the car in one trip and not have to turn around on my way to work. On a not so great morning, I will be more than 5 miles from the house when I have to return for something. I have actually arrived at work an then had to return home and start over.

Things are going to change, for the better. This weekend I am going to make posters and hang them. There will be one in my bathroom- with a checklist of what to do to be prepared for the day. There will be on on the front door with a checklist. There will be a hook for the keys and the back up keys to hang.

When I meal prep this Sunday, I will be prepping dinners as well as lunches. Tomorrow I will make the decision on whether to prepare breakfast for the week or return to the smoothie thing. I have found that if I meal prep for the week, I eat healthy and well, actually eat. If I don’t prep, well, dinner tonight was fritos and little hot dogs.

At lunch break today, I went to the bookstore. I bought a workbook for managing ADHD. I have seen several on the Kindle, but I really will benefit from actually working the work book, in ink. I am not looking to “cure” my ADHD, I am looking for tools to make my life more, managed. I prefer my house to be neat and tidy, right now it is not. I prefer to have a smooth routine, I am good with repeat, repeat, repeat. Really, I can eat the same thing for breakfast every day, lunch every day and dinner every day for a week. I do not need variety. I thrive on consistency. I am looking to maximize my gifts, to be the best person I can be, to live my best life.

If that means I have a 8 x 11 poster hanging on the wall or the door, that is what it will take. I pack my bags the night before. My briefcase is ready for my return to work on Tuesday, but I could stress myself into sillyville in a flash over the thought of being at the doctors office at 7:45 am on Tuesday to be the first walk in- the doctor will still be in the carpool drop off at the elementary school. Deep breath in , exhale. Don’t get ahead of yourself.

We are all connected through a web, I don’t mean the internet web. The connections we create through interactions, how the vibrations we send out affect others. All I can hope is that the vibes I have sent out are positive and shed love and light into the lives I have touched.

The past few days have been rough, not just for me but many of my loved ones. My family consists of my three children and the eleven grandchildren they have created. My children have partners, and with each of those partners comes more family. Some of those people have complex back stories, make poor decisions and repeat the drama and trauma that made them who they are now.

When my children were growing up, I was working in the social work field. I realized pretty early that my work spilled over into my family. When my son was about 5, he made up a guest bed for a little girl at my program. He convinced his sisters to allow him to borrow a few dolls and girl toys to put in the guest room. He then, oh so proudly, told me the room was for “T”. She was a good girl, but her mom did not take care of her right. IF she came to live with us, she would be alright. The program I worked for was trying to get the police to take a report on suspected abuse, but no agency would take the report – but a 5 year old figured it out.

My children knew what their mother did for a living, and they learned to be loving and nonjudgemental of people. I stopped doing social work after 15 years. It was taking a toll on me and then spilling over to my family.

My children were blessed with loving hearts and thus have brought us more family. We accept these people with their lumps and bumps, they have a past that may not be the best chapter of their lives. Some are better at not rewriting the history, some are stuck in a loop, only they have created more people to involve in the loop.

My heart hurts tonight. The family drama is overwhelming. Some would say they are not really my family, but my in laws family. There is more than just biology to life, the links we have with others is more than a blood relation.

My wish for all, that you can share love, kindness and peace. Own your best chapters in life and the not so great chapters, they both made you who you are today. Learn from the past, yours and those around you, sometimes the lesson is not how to. If you can identify what went wrong, you can figure out what not to do and inversely, what to do.

Love one another, be kind, and find the happiness in the moment.

A little bit late, but today is as good as any to start this Year and a Day. This date, 45 years ago, was the day my world crashed. My Nana died, she was Nana to many (26 grandchildren), but she and I had a special bond. This date is also the birthday of one of my favorite cousins, well second cousin. Some happiness to go with the sadness. This date has always been a day of extremes for me, big ups and big downs. So, to start the Year and a Day, today is a good day to begin.

The Year and a Day is an old Scottish tradition, it was tied to handfasting. A couple could live together, and after a year and a day, they would decide to stay together or go their separate ways. This year, the Beltane tarot spread I chose had a component that indicated there was something I needed to commit to do for a year and a day. The card that landed on that spot was the card for creative writers and artists. Well, I know that I realistically a not going to paint everyday, that would be a nice treat, but not realistic

The same day, I received an email from wordpress that I needed to update my payment method to renew my account. The Universe has spoken, and I will try my best to write every day. I know that I have made that statement in the past,and it has not come to fruition. I am not even going to feel guilty about that, it is part of my ADHD and that is just who I am. All I can do is try, I have set an alarm on the phone and with all the technology, I am optimistic that I will be able to keep this up.

As to my ADHD, I am learning more and more each day about life with ADHD. There is so much information available today, there are so many options. My current life is without medication, and that is not by my choice. There are advantages and disadvantages to life with medication. My choice is going to be with the medication, therapy and behavior modification.

In the middle of 2022, I started medication. My position in my company changed and I felt that to best perform, I would need that help. Things were going well, a little hiccup when the medication I was on became unavailable in generic. I was able to buy the name brand for one month. Then that too was unavailable. The same time, my health insurance changed and the office manager refused to allow me to keep my appointment- although I had told them there would be a change, I offered to pay cash for the appointment. She flat out refused to allow my appointment.

That was the end of my medication, and a true challenge began. I was comfortable enough with my position to perform my tasks. I was very upfront with my coworkers and upper management about the situation, fortunately, I work with a large group of nuerodivergent people and they understand and make allowances. We work together to accomplish the goals, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

There is hope, always hope. Thanks to the pandemic, we now have virtual appointments, and that will be my method. There are many more resources available and with the number of people willing to share their story on social media platforms, it makes it much easier to have an open discussion.

I doubt I will ever be brave enough to make a video, that is not my personality. I can share my story on this blog, that is my personality. I can continue to learn more about one of the many aspects of me, and let go of old ideas that are not flaws, but part of the condition. Will my house ever be show room ready, maybe some day, probably not soon. Will I ever be completely organized and stay that way…probably not. Will I ever stop going down the rabbit hole (now I know its called hyperfixation), no, but a lot of my creativity comes about from that rabbit hole. Will I ever get around to writing the story

in my head- maybe…wouldn’t that be a trip worth riding.

Today, the first day of the rest of my life. My Dad had that saying on his desk, every day is a new start; a fresh slate to write your truth. Today, the change in my world is starting a new medication. Well an old medication that I have not used in many years, its not that the disorder went away, only that the access to the medication changed. I had changed jobs and one of the conditions of the new job was no time off. I remember insisting that I be allowed to miss a half day of the training because of a funeral- and that was met with great resistance . I could only imagine if I had said I need to see my doctor so I can get my meds; mental health was not viewed through the same eyes as it is today, volunteering that one needed a psychatrist and medication was one step from commitment and me a social worker.

I realize that this is not a miracle drug, it will not poof and fix my life- not that I think my life needs fixing. I am quite happy with my current situation. I do realize that I often get off track and hyper focus on the wrong things. It makes my tasks so much more difficult; sometimes, going down the rabbit hole has benefits. I have often discovered something I was not looking for that is of great benefit to my life by chasing the wrong rabbit.

I do realize that I need to come up with a game plan, a tangible to do list that I can mark off my accomplishments. I also am finding that time seems to have slowed down. I recently read that squirrels process light at different speed than humans- much faster. That explains their constant movement in hyper speed- darting about in what seems like erratic motion. I have been living in that speed while the rest of the world is traveling in what I perceived as slow motion. No wonder I was often anxious, I am much more at ease with myself today.

Where to go from here…well, I did not create the chaos in one day, I can not expect to sort it out in one day. I will target one area and hope that I can get order to that space between today and tomorrow. I have my regular To Do List- laundry, meal prep, cleaning and home maintenance.

I ordered some citrus trees that can grow in pots, of course they arrived mid week and we are having a cold front pass through. I really need to get them into some pots and the berry bushes I ordered should be delivered today. The goal is to grow what I can of my diet. I eat basically the same things each week and most of it can be grown year round in my climate. I have limited yard, so container garden it is. The plants will have to remain indoors until this cold front passes, plants in containers are more vulnerable to cold temperatures, they are also more portable.

I want to spend some time enjoying my weekend. I wold love to paint, but that is a lot of set up as I am moving the whole lot from one room to another room (up a flight of stairs). I will eventually get to that room situated, but not this weekend. This weekend is about the planning, I have several projects that are works in process, I need to start by getting those organized and see where I am on each one.

I need to stop procrastinating and just get some things done…like this mountain of clean laundry that I need to fold and put away.

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning…lets start at the begining, I brought out me old firend the Sacred Journey Journal and the corresponding cards. The book is no longer in print- I was sad to learn, but I have a 2011 that I can use as a guide book and just write in another journal. I started with the spiral spread this could be done with tarot cards) but I like the simplicity of the sacred journey cards. I started this Saturday morning, then life kind of erupted in my face and that set the pace for the day.

I was able to finish the write up of the cards laid yesterday, and I have realized that I have no goals set, no long term plan, no short term plan, just a bunch of things I would like to do. That is fine for some folks, those that fly by the seat of their pants, I do not finction well with that method. I like a goal, a plan and set steps to achieve that goal, with many plan B options built in place. I do not have that in my life right now.

Many of the TO DO lists rely on the imput and contribution of other people. I can not control their time line, their actions or contributions. I can only control mine. That creates a layer of stress / anxiety for me. An example, the kitchen remodel that started months ago. The final demo can not be done until the “new” (refurbished cast iron sink) is ready to install. I am not the one working that project, I can not control the person that has that task. I can not move forward until that is ready to go. Project stalled, I live with a half kitchen. This would be fine if I lived a lifestyle that ivnolved eating most meals out- I have food allergies and Celiac, that is not a feasible option.

The bullet journal that I am working on is helping manage my to do lists, I am slowly getting the hang of the system. I am learning that there are some things better in print than in e reader format, and I am going to seek this book in print. I will use the Sacred Journey cards for my morning writing, with an evening recap. I am going back to old school books- I will need a better reading light for the bedroom.

Which leads me another portion of the epiphany, electronics (TV, video games, social media) all endless distractions. I am going to reduce the amount of time I spend on the screens. My work day is basaically 8 hours of screen time, that is more than enough for a person. I will be eliminating evening screens.

This blog to become a weekend event. I need to spend more time on my arts, and this needs to be a part of that category. As things change in my life, maybe I can revisit the frequency of the entries, for now, it must be moved to non work days. I had bought a chromebook, thinking that at lunchtime I could write on this blog. As I futher reflect, I need to spend my lunchtime engaged in non screen activities.

So, until Saturday…I am off to walk the beach and meet an old friend for dinner.

I

There is so much going through my head, I am so overwhelmed with what has become of my life. There is an endless loop, I am stuck in its revolving path, unable to break free and find my way out of this situation. I have realized that I have few people I can actually discuss this with, I feel that those in my inner circle that don’t understand are judging me, and being unkind. I am trying to break the cycle , I had this thing called life under control, I was coping. Slowly, my grip has slipped away, I am now to a point that I do not know where to start, how to start, what to do and I have no one in my inner circle to turn to that can assist- they have their own situations to deal with.

The root of the problem of this current situation, I have ADHD- I have always had it, I will always have it, much like the Celiac, there is no outgrowing it, no getting away from it, no healing it – it is just part of who I am. I am comfortable with it, I do not view it as a negative, but as a gift. I honestly don’t understand people that cannot think in lightning speed, that do not multitask, that dont spin off on tangents and drop-down rabbit holes to run off course. I guess that’s why they don’t understand my life.

I can see all that is wrong with my realm, I am not blind. I cognitively know what needs to be done, how to accomplish it. Recently, some one said they just force themselves to just do it. That works for them, they have adapted their lifestyle to fit what works for them. I am not at that point, and this person knows very little of my situation. I am trying to get things to rights, some of the items on my checlist are beyond my control, some are within my control.

I have started a Bullet Journal. I happened across the book on the library web page when looking for a non-fiction book on self-help. As I read the introduction, I have never related more to anything, the ideas that he was presenting made so much sense to me. Its as he was in my head describing me. I want to be organized; I want to live in clean space where I know where everything is located. I am hoping that working with this tool will enable me to accomplish my goals.

I don’t like my current situation, and I know that only I can make it better. I cannot have an electrician in to rewire outlets until I have the house sorted and under control. I cannot have the windows replaced until I can get the house sorted for the men to come measure and replace. It’s part of the endless circle. I can clear out one area, only to find that I have more things that need to find a home- things that I cannot discard – I am going to be discarding a lot of things.

I have also decided that I need to go back to medication. I spent so time thinking, when did I really have my life in a pleasant situation? When was I really at a point that I was happy with how my life was flowing? What was I doing then that is different now? The last time I felt like I had it together, that things were flowing nicely, goals were set, accomplished and new goals set. I was a single mother with two jobs and three busy kids. I was working full-time at one job and part time at the other. I had simplified my life; I had few possessions (compliments of a hurricane) and I was on the medication for the ADHD.

It was not a cure-all, don’t think that is what I mean, it enabled my to focus, find the important thing to do and stay focused on that task. It does not turn off the other thoughts, it enables them to be quieted and tabled for a more appropriate time. I do not plan to use them as a long- term solution, but as tool to regain the loss of the control of my life. I will also embrace counseling; it should be part of the treatment plan. Its not just pop a pill and poof the world i s right. NOT BY A LONG SHOT. There is a lot of aspects to this disorder, and one needs to be able to embrace all of the aspects and channel the energy into productive outlets.

It feels so good to get that all out, to acknowledge that I have a situation that is out of control, that only I can fix it, and I am struggling to find the way to the right path and action plan. I have reached out for help, theoretically I should be contacted within 72 hours – I guess that’s business non holiday days. I am hoping with the modern tele-health this can be done quickly.